If you have spent any time around kids, either as a parent or babysitter, you have inevitably been called upon to help settle a dispute. “He won’t let me play with the…”, “Tell him to get away from me,” “Why do I always have to sit in the middle?”
When kids are young, you have to show them how to resolve issues by actually helping them create a resolution. In the case of my boys, now that they are older, I find myself asking them, “What do you want me to do about it?”
Why that question? Certainly not because I don’t care, quite the opposite. First, I want to see if they can think things through to a reasonable solution. Second, I want to see if the ending is a compromise or tilted in favor of one or the other. Third, I believe there is no way to make them happy unless they help create the resolution.
As usual, this got me thinking about the correlation to the workplace. How often in the course of a work week do we have to mediate a dispute between team members, our company and a vendor, or handle an issue with a client or patient?
Now the fastest way to solve any ‘problem’ that has been brought to your attention, often angrily, is to simply render a decision and be done with it. That’s often NOT the best way to solve things. However, it is the quickest way to create more issues. Not what you were looking for, was it? I didn’t think so.
Anytime the person complaining is not afforded the opportunity to help craft a solution that is meaningful to them, there is no way to get a satisfactory resolution. In the case of the kids, they have to learn that it’s OK to compromise and that each of them can get some part of the answer they want.
Team members still have to work with the person that has created the situation that was being discussed. If all parties don’t believe that they have been heard, they will continue to see management as unresponsive to their needs.
Always ask your team members some version of the “What do you want me to do about it?” question, in a helpful tone not in an irritated manner. Some good substitute versions of the question are: “What resolution are you looking for?” or “What would be the ideal resolution of this for you?” Make it a personal version that shows you’re committed to trying.
When a client is the one with the issue, ask them one of the questions above. Apologize to them for having to call about the situation, tell them you appreciate that they took the time to bring the matter to your attention (that usually blows their mind) and then ask them my favorite question, “If you were in my shoes, how would you resolve his issue?”
This typically helps them to see both sides of an issue rather than just theirs. Open discussion working towards crafting as fair a resolution as possible is obviously the end goal.
Remember each of these groups: your kids, your team members, your vendors, your customers and clients all expect to be heard and to know that their input and feelings matter. If you can’t find a resolution with their help, you may have to make a decision. When this happens, you owe all parties an explanation about why you can’t implement their particularly preferred solution.
Sometimes leadership means making decisions that are unpopular. If you are going to be an effective parent or leader, you can’t possibly make everyone happy all the time.
However, keep in mind that there is no way to create a satisfactory resolution to someone else’s issue without asking that person to help you design the solution.
